The news today features a report by the Associated Press' "National Investigative Team" (the "NIT") that reviewed studies of drinking water conducted in various parts of the country. The results seem to depend upon what the original study authors were looking for—not what was actually present—

Of the 62 major water providers contacted, the drinking water for only 28 was tested.
....
Some providers screen for only one or two pharmaceuticals, leaving open the possibility that others are present.

I believe that if the NIT had chosen to look for them, it would have found quantities of feces, insect parts and rocket fuel. Well, save that for a slow news day.

The trace amounts of drugs (mostly caffeine) are thought to have entered the water supply via urine and feces that contain undigested remainders or metabolized byproducts. One solution leaps immediately to mind: we should pee outdoors whenever possible, not only to avoid flushing the contaminants into the water system but also to save water.

While health authorities hasten to assure us there is no cause for alarm, the AP is subtly suggesting that the drugs are having an effect. They point out that "a sex hormone was detected in the drinking water of San Francisco, California." Well, what did they expect?

And in Washington DC and surrounding areas, "an anti-seizure medication, two anti-inflammatory drugs, two kinds of antibiotics and a common disinfectant were found," according to Carol Leonnig. My view is that they should increase the dosage.

I was about to dismiss this hokum with a flick of the Simply Appalling wand—the findings are neither new nor unknown—when a map showing the contaminated states caught my eye. It looked oddly familiar—and sure 'nuff it was. It closely resembles the map indicating the states that have gone for Hillary versus those that have gone for Obama.

Can this be? That the populations that voted for Hillary were drugged? Let's not speculate, let's predict. If my hypothesis is correct, we ought to be able to foretell upcoming electoral outcomes from the distribution of drugs in the water.

If we discount Florida and Michigan, nine states have votes coming up: Mississippi (March 11), Pennsylvania (April 22), Indiana and North Carolina (May 6), West Virginia (May 13), Oregon and Kentucky (May 20), and South Dakota and Montana (June 3). So based on the known presence of drugs in the water, here are my predictions:

Don't forget to check back for results.

Tags: news and politics environment pharmaceuticals Democratic primary humor