Forget the polls. Forget the pundits. If you want to know the future it's the Simply Appalling future you'll need to know. Basing our predictions on the presence of drugs in the voters' water, Simply Appalling has now called the last four Democratic primaries with 100% accuracy!

Last night as the talking heads of cable stayed past their bedtimes waiting for the final tabulations from Indiana because the race was "too close to call," I rested securely and knowledgeably in the arms of Morpheus. "Hillary by a nose," I thought as I cuddled up, though the Clinton win by some 20-odd thousand votes out of one and a quarter million was more by an errant hair than a whole nose.

The pundits of CNN, Fox and MSNBC declared the Obama-Clinton race effectively ended last night and launched into discussions of imagined behind-the-scenes negotiations between the two campaigns to divvy up the spoils. Will Obama offer to pay off Clinton's campaign debt? Will Bill Clinton be the messenger of peace between the two camps? Will Hillary insist on the Vice-Presidential spot on the ticket as the price of playing nice? Unless I can come up with some dope about the drugs they're on, we'll probably just have to wait and see.

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Drugs in their water: Predicting Democratic electoral outcomes (3/10/08)

Tags: news and politics Indiana primary election forecast humor